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Grieving, Karma and Eternal Life

I have been putting off writing this article for a very long time, yet I know I need to write it.  Today I feel like maybe I can.

This is about grief and suicide.  It’s about life after death.  Most importantly it’s about love.

ascending staircase

The reason I have been absent from the blog for so long is that last year I found out that my dearest friend, Russell, committed suicide.  Even though he is my dearest friend, we had not spoken since December of 2012. I was in a bad place, once again experiencing major depression, chronic pain, and entering into a dark night of the soul.  He tried so hard to pull me out of it but his words hit me wrong, so I walked away.

At the end of that month, I moved in with my parents temporarily.  Being in a safe place and having some of life’s stress removed from my care, I began to get better.  Every now and then I would leave a voice mail or send an email to Russ, inviting him to contact me.

In January of 2015 I had a major shift in my spiritual belief system.  Being that he was an atheist I wanted to discuss my questions with him.  So again I left a message and sent an email.  About a month later it occurred to me that since he had not returned my calls for a couple of years maybe he really was done with me.  In the past we could go a couple of months without talking and then pick right back up.  But he wasnt responding this time.

So, I sent one more email telling him that I loved him, telling him that if he really was done with me then I understood but that I wanted him to know that he was important to me , that I knew he would be with me everywhere I go.

I hit send, turned off my light and settled in to sleep.  Only I couldn’t.  My mind was racing with thoughts of him, thoughts of trying to find out for sure if he really didn’t want anything to do with me.

We met in 1983, when I was 23 and he was 38.  For me it was love at first sight.  We dated for a few months but then he decided that my mindset was too serious and he wanted to just have fun. So he broke up with me.  I listened to what he had to say.  I left his apartment and went to my car to go home but I just sat there.  I really really didn’t want to lose him. I was hurting so much and I didn’t want to have it end this way, painfully.  So I got out of the car and went back to his door and knocked.  When he opened it I simply said ” I don’t want it to end this way”.  He opened the door wider, I went in and we talked.

Over time we became the best of friends and lovers.  We had hours long conversations on the phone.  We shared each other’s music and books, I could name every woman he dated and what he liked about them.  But underneath this cover of friendship, I was still in love with him.  I was waiting it out.  Sometimes it was painful and difficult to listen to him talk about other women. We often talked about what qualities existed in his idea of a perfect woman and relationship, a topic we called The One.  I always believed that  I was The One and prayed that one day he would recognize that.  Other days, we would argue and fight, I would drop to my knees and thank god that I had not married him!

We had our own magic.  There were times when we were so intimate that he could look in my eyes and read my mind.  I could call him on the phone when I was having a meltdown and he had the perfect words to pour over my head like warm honey, calming me and helping me change perspective.

I was there for him in his other dark times.  After he stopped working due to disability, a time came when he ran out of money.  He was close to suicide. He called me and asked me to find some way to help him, so I did.  I gathered information he needed to apply for early Social Security.  I obtained the funds from a church to pay his rent.  I found out all the community services available to help him financially and emotionally.  I made appointments for him, I handled his check book and saw that his bills were paid.  I made arrangements with his other friends to bring him food.  I coached him on how to handle people at his appointments in order to get the desired outcome.  This went on for months and it was very draining for me.  Sometimes he would take his frustrations out on me and I would want to step away from all of it but  he would beg me to stay.  I loved him deeply, so I stayed.  He trusted me more than anyone else in his life.

And we got through it.

Russell did things to help me in my life as well.  He possessed a wealth of information. Before the days of Google, if I needed to know something I could always get the best answer from him.  He never failed me.  He helped me practice my public speaking. He was always interested in my personal growth and tried to help.  He was always my cheerleader.

After the ordeal he went through he became more interested in what makes me tick.  He knew so much about me already but now it seemed that he wanted to understand the why of how I thought.

One day he thanked me for being who I was because, he said, I taught him more about how to love.  He perceived that  I demanded that he love me and express that love in a way that I could feel and relate to. He tried harder to do that.  Many times he nailed it.  No one else in my life could get into my thoughts and emotions, no one else could read my mind like he could. This was so important to me because due to a childhood trauma I had a hard time letting people into my life to love me.

That night in February I started searching for him online.  His various social accounts were all active but when I searched his address through the white pages I found that the listing for his address showed the previous resident was deceased.

“Ah”,  I thought,  he must have had that heart attack that was always just around the corner.  I had to know what happened to him.  Several more searches and I found the listing for him with the Medical Examiners office. It stated the cause of death was suicide in April of 2013.  Well, shit!  

I contacted the Medical Examiner’s  office and they gave me a copy of the autopsy.  Russ had committed suicide by shooting himself in the head.

The details are just too grisly.  I felt stunned.  I was so shocked; I felt my vision blur and my chest tighten.  I read it over and over because I simply could not believe it!  I remembered then that he had always told me this would be the way he died if he ever became seriously ill.  Well, that was a thought then, maybe he had been sick.

I called the manager of the apartments.  He told  me that Russ had been in a lot of pain.  When I talked to his sister-in-law she told me that a prescription for prostate medicine had arrived at the apartment after his death. Ok, one and one is two, Russ must have done this because of the pain he was in and a fear of cancer.  Contrary to popular opinion I respect a person’s right to end their life.  I only wish I could have been there for him and that his passing could have been gentler.

I also found out when I talked to her that they had not claimed his ashes.  Almost 2  years had gone by and they had not claimed him!  The thought of his remains sitting on a shelf in some warehouse was heartbreaking.  So I claimed him and brought him home.   He is in a box in  my closet now, and a part of him is in a silver heart I wear around my neck.

The shock wore off after a couple of weeks, I cried a lot.  I began grieving.  I talked to him, I wrote letters to him and I cried some more.

I had never lost someone this close to me and in this manner.  I didn’t know what to expect or how to process it.  I made a playlist of songs that reminded me of him, of us, or how I was feeling about him or how I had felt about him.  I played it constantly for a while and it gave me a release valve for my emotions.  I felt very guilty for not being there when he needed someone.  He didn’t leave a note. It was 3 months from the time I had stopped speaking to him in December 2012 to his death on April 1st, 2013.  I wondered what would have happened  if he had felt he could talk to me.  I wondered if I could have been a better friend.  Would it have made a difference?

I laid awake in bed many nights telling him I was sorry.

sleeping fairy1

One night, incredibly, he paid me a visit!  This was the first contact he made with me since I found out he was gone. ( I believe now that the urge to find him came from him).  He came to me in a dream.  In the dream we were in his apartment and his ex-wife was there too.  Russ was sleeping on the couch and she and I were cleaning his kitchen.  We talked about how sick he was.  Then I was in the living room and I was standing behind him as he sat on a footstool.  I had my arms around his neck, my face buried in his hair.  I could feel the silky softness of his hair and I could smell him.  I was telling him how much I loved him.  I was giving him reassuring words that everything was going to work out and that I was there for him.  I was telling him all the things I wished I could have said before he died.  When I stopped talking,  I was flooded with his love.

It came over me like a soft cloud, emotions cascading over and through me.  I felt his love for me! I felt his happiness at being healed, I felt him reassure me that he is ok now and he is truly happy.  He is safe and well.  Again and again he told me how much he loved me too, not with words but a sharing of the knowing of it.  The quality of this dream was such that I believe in my heart and mind  it was real, that he really came to me to tell me these things.  This wonderful man who could read my mind found a way to reach out from the spiritual plane to touch me again.

I found myself talking to him off an on, in my mind.  I invited him to visit me in my dreams.  Now and then I will hear a song on the radio that expresses something about our relationship so perfectly and I know that this is one way he speaks to me.

Several months later the most marvelous thing happened while I was driving down the highway.  I was thinking of Russell and then I heard him in my mind.  He told me that in this lifetime he had learned how to love me and in our relationship in this life I had learned to find my voice.  He told me that this was the reason we had both been here together in this life, after having been together in so many lifetimes and experiencing so many tragic relationship failures.  This time we had learned the lesson and our karma had been answered.  He promised me that in the next life we share together we would indeed have the relationship that we had longed for.

Believing in reincarnation, having discussed that belief with him many times, I felt nothing less than absolute joy at this revelation!

Karma is such an elusive idea, most of the time we just wonder and hope to figure out why we are here and what we are supposed to be doing.  We follow our hearts or expectations and hope for the  best.  I feel extremely fortunate to be allowed to know this one aspect of my karma, to know that I am successful in answering it!  What a gift indeed.

I know there are many reasons why I am living this life, at this time.  My relationship with Russell is a big reason, but not the only one.  There are other reasons that may be just as profound.  Knowing now what I know about my relationship with Russell informs me about the beauty of life.

Lovers

The biggest insight of all is that life goes on.  Clearly there  is no heaven or hell,  life is eternal right now.  Life always has been, and always will be!  We don’t have to earn an eternal life, we don’t need to be saved from anything in order to enjoy a positive outcome after living a life here on earth.  As humans, we come from life, we live a life, we return to the source place of life, and again and again, because we are life and we have manifested ourselves in order to improve our experience.

I am grateful.  I am grateful to have known Russell in my life at this time in the cycle of my many lives.  I am grateful to have heard from Russell after he left this earth and grateful to know he is alive somewhere and that he wants to and does speak to me.  I am grateful to know without doubt that he loved me and still does.  I am grateful to know that we will be together, in fact that we are never really apart.

I am grateful for love!

Have you lost someone to suicide?  Have you been visited by a departed loved one?  What have you learned?  Please tell  me!

 

 

The Dark Night

There is a time in life that most people go through.  It’s not about hitting bottom, it feels worse than that.  Its more than a rough patch, it seems endless no matter what you do.  Weeks and months go by and it doesn’t seem to get better.  Every thing you touch turns to shit, people get tired of helping or holding your hand.

More and more you don’t want to be a drain on your loved ones so you withdraw, a little more every day.  If you do go out, go to work or run errands, you are just going through the motions.  There is no rhyme or reason for the way it is, and you run out of ideas or energy for making it better.  It doesn’t  seem to change, or end.

Dark Night1

It is called  The Dark Night of the Soul.  If you are very lucky you may have a handful of loved ones who will stick by you.

Sometimes I think my whole life has been one long dark night.  Then I remember some pretty good times, years of happiness and prosperity.  That is what the Dark Night does to you, it makes you forget the happiness you have known.  In reality I have had periods of great happiness, wonderful contentment, and many periods in my life that I call the Dark Night.

This current Night started around 2007 and is by far the longest night I have endured.  It crept up on me quietly and misled me by disguising itself as progress.

The company I was working for had been bought out some years before and in 2007 they started making some serious changes.  At first I was assigned some traveling, which I thought was fantastic.   Then I was given some special projects and opportunities to advance myself and help to reshape the department.  Fantastic.  Hmm, lots of unpaid overtime. The more I did for them, the more work they gave me.  In my personal life I was attending a lot of spiritual retreats and classes.  I really thought this was all a new and exciting chapter in my life.

The stress started to get to me, though.  I developed an anxiety disorder.  Then I started having random pain in my body for no apparent reason.  I hurt my back working out at the gym and it never got any better.   I ended up on anti-anxiety and pain medications.  In 2008 I hit menopause, adding an anti-depressant.  In 2009 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, had to take 6 weeks leave of absence, and more medicine.

dark night3

I never really returned to work full-time.  I had to take off several days every month for rest and pain management and often just because the fatigue was overwhelming.

Then the other shoe dropped as a result of all the time I had given the company to restructure our department, they decided to move the location of our office from Texas to Michigan.  I was not making that move.

In September 2010 I was laid off.  I was able to get a temp job in March but it only lasted a few weeks due to my need for days off to rest.  I applied for early retirement through Social Security, beginning another long process that I am still muddling through.  I was no longer able to leave the house for shopping or able to clean house and do my laundry.  I only made it through those months because of 3 dear friends. One came to shop and clean and wash, one came to spend the night several times to keep me company and the other one took me out to breakfast once a week.

In December 2012 I lost my house and had to let my dog go to foster care.  I moved in with my parents and applied for medical care through the county.  Lots of pain pills.  The oblivion was so alluring.

I was no longer involved in church, or anything really.  The new doctor began rationing my pain pills and eventually took me off them.  I still have pain but at least I am awake.

Things seems to even out after a while, but living with elderly parents and fighting depression and anxiety, emotional upheaval became the norm.

And all along I have been fighting the Darkness.  Begging the universe to bring an end to it, looking for ways to find the Light again.  Its exhausting.  Fighting anything is exhausting.

In spite of my efforts to make things better, it only got worse!  I was fighting with every one in my life. Finally this past summer I decided that enough was enough and that I was ready to check out.  I wrote a note.  I texted it to 2 friends and saved it in my phone.  Then I got in the car and went to visit a friend in Arkansas.  It’s only 6 hours away and 1 tank of gas.  It was the beginning of October and I planned to live only until the 13th.  Russ’s birthday would be my day to leave this plane.

Well, my friend became seriously ill right after I arrived.  We made a pact: that as long as she would fight for her life, I would not try to end mine.  I hate to say that her illness saved my life, but I felt needed and useful.

dark night2

After returning home, I started thinking about this Dark Night and why it wasn’t ending.  I was reading a lot of memes on Facebook about resistance and attraction and other metaphysical stuff.  I had tried the constant gratefulness route before but nothing really got better so I had given up on that.  I began to think along the lines of letting the Universe have its way.

One meme really resonated with me, “what you resist, persists”.

One morning it just hit me in the forehead.  Why am I fighting this Darkness anyway?  Is there something inherently wrong with being in the dark?  Isn’t darkness part of universal balance?  Could there be a real reason for being there?  I made a decision right then.

No more resistance.

I accept the Darkness for what it is.  I accept that this is where I am right now.  I will embrace it.  I will enjoy it.  I will open up to whatever I can learn from it.

I will make it my friend, and maybe it won’t kill me.

Instead of viewing it as a black bottomless pit of despair, I am seeing this Dark Night as a friend who is walking along a path with me while I make decisions about what I am going to do with the rest of my life.  I am recording my thoughts in my Book of Light, so that I will remember this struggle and so that I can teach  my grand-daughter how best to handle her Dark Nights when they come, as they will, as it seems they must.

After all, it is only in the darkness that we can see the light of the stars.

stars at night

Join the Valentine’s Revolution

Happy Valentine’s day!

Valentine Gold Heart

Some people say this holiday was created to sell greeting cards, flowers and candy.  Certainly a lot of money is spent on these things, and I know I always appreciated the gesture when I was given something, anything really, for Valentines.

There are other stories about how Valentine’s Day came to be celebrated and anyone can read about those with a simple Google search.

What I want to talk about today, most appropriately, is Love.  After all, that is what we are celebrating isn’t it?   In fact, if you think about it, most of our holidays revolve around some form of love.  Love for someone or something, but Valentine’s is about Love for the sake of Love.

I have spent the last 12 years or so investigating all things spiritual.  Trying to find out what matters most in this world.  There are so many ideas and efforts that are noble and noteworthy.  Giving is one thing that comes to mind easily.  Giving of oneself, money, time and talent is a noble thing indeed.

However, I believe that one must examine the reason that one is giving.  True fulfillment found in the act of giving can only be realized if one is doing it for the sake of others and not for the approval of society or for the possible tax breaks.  Yet, being human, can we actually find ourselves able to give altruistically?  Don’t we always give because it makes us feel good?

It is true, when you give to others it will make you feel good in some way.   I assure you however, you will never feel as good as the person who receives.  Even those who give to causes for animals will find that the people who are entrusted to care for the animals will feel blessed when money and time are given to their cause.

Valentine Love Each Other

Give because you can, give because you love.  When you are feeling sad, depressed, lonely, empty, and unloved giving to others in any way that you can will give you peace of mind and a sense of belonging.  Give because you love people and animals, give because you love yourself!

John Lennon had it right when he wrote the worlds to the iconic song “All You Need Is Love”.  That song is almost 50 years old now, (48 in 2015) and it proves the test of time because the words have just as much, or more, meaning as they did in the time that he wrote them.

Beatles-AllYouNeedIsLove

John was fascinated by the way phrases had an effect on people and society.  He saw the effect of propaganda and, being the visionary that he was, he understood that the proper use of propaganda was the betterment of the world we live in.

He understood that words could be used to raise the collective consciousness.

Since 1967 when John wrote this song, the Vietnam war ended but so many other wars have started and this world is filled to the brim with violence, social/economic inequality and social/economic  injustice.

Hate and intolerance are rampant, one can easily give  up hope that humanity has the power to effect change for the better.

But there is reason for hope!

Yesterday I watched a short video that was on my Facebook feed, about a small dog in Australia that fell off a pier and try as he might the little thing could not swim faster than the current.  His owner was certain that the little dog would drown.  A young Asian man was on the pier to scatter the ashes of his father and he saw what was happening to the little dog.  Seemingly without thought, this young man stripped down to his shirt and underwear, dove into the ocean and rescued the animal.  Heaving himself onto the pier he thrust the sopping mop of fur into the arms of the owner.

Why did this young man do something so dangerous for someone he did not know, someone he had never even met?  I believe that he did this because he was moved by the desperation of the dog and the woman who thought she was losing her furry friend to the sea.  I believe he did this because he understood the situation and he simply did what needed to be done.

THIS is love in action, love as a verb and not just an idea.

 

If every single person would reach out and help another person in need, any kind of need, we could change the world in short time.  Often it will require repeated action because sometimes it takes repetition for change to take hold.  But we each have the power to keep on keeping on, to give and give again.

To love and love again. And again, and yes one more time.

Be The Reason

I have spent most of my life taking care of others.  As a mother, daughter, wife, sister and friend.  For a long period of this time, I really wanted something back for all this giving, and as long as I was expecting something in return, I was always disappointed.  After I turned 40 and began my journey of spiritual searching, I realized finally that happiness comes from within.

I began slowly to change my point of view on many things and found fulfillment in the simpler things of life.  I have gained gratitude for what life gives to me and for the love that comes to me in whatever form.

Recently I lost a very dear friend, my first childhood best friend, to an accidental drug overdose.  She is the first of my friends to leave this world and I was devastated.  However, this event gave me cause to contact another dear childhood friend and she was able to give me comfort and love.  She was a balm to my broken heart and I soaked it up like a sponge.

Again, recently, I have found myself in a kind of spiritual crises, finding myself no longer believing in things as I always have and trying to figure out what is truth for me.  At first I found myself in a great panic and I felt very alone.  In my sense of aloneness, I reached out to a few friends whom I felt would understand.  To my surprise I found that I was not at all alone in my changing beliefs but that each friend I spoke to had already been through this same transformation!

Each of them received my cry with love and even though we were on the phone or at the coffee shop I felt them hugging me with their words, concern and acceptance.  Being alone was an illusion, one that I was very grateful to be able to let go of!

So, please accept my challenge to change the world!  Let us have a quiet but raging revolution of love!  Love the world, the earth, the animals, the oceans, rivers and lakes.  Love all growing things, love art and industry.  Love learning and teaching.  Love children!  Oh yes especially the children!

And, as we are all children of this universe, let’s be really revolutionary and love each other!

Love your friends and family and without reservation let us love our neighbors and strangers!

Yes, John Lennon had it right, ALL WE NEED IS LOVE.

Valentine Hands

 

Happy Valentine’s day everyone!

What do you consider relevant?

Rather than doing rants about injustices I think it would be more beneficial for all if I posts articles about events and people who are taking a stand and making progress for peace and justice in the country and the world.

I want to stay positive, adding the negativity of ranting and resistance will not really help the highest good.  I believe that words, whether spoken or written, have their own energy.  The more positive energy we create the better is it for the highest good for all.

We Are Not Alone

We Are Not Alone

Some of my posts will celebrate those who have gone before us to promote peace and justice.  I think their stories are encouraging to those who slog through the systems that need reforming, those who work tirelessly to the point of exhaustion trying to find ways to better our existence.

What would YOU like to read about in these areas?  What do you consider relevant?  Who do you know that is doing the good work?  Please comment below and I will use the information to create my posts!

Fifty Five – Where Do I Go From Here…

birthday cake candles lit

Having just faced my 55th birthday I have been thinking and deciding what to do with the second half of my life. I spent the first half raising a child, working hard in corporate America and trying to save for retirement. When I think about those years I realize I was always looking forward, which is better than looking back, I suppose.

I also realize that I have missed out on many opportunities by not paying attention to the now. What do I want right NOW? How can I be happy NOW? Where can I find fulfillment NOW?

Now, not later.

Not Wasting Away

I am unable to work in the corporate world any longer due to disability. I don’t intend to just waste away either! I am a grandmother now and this gives me such joy. I serve in my church and this gives me much satisfaction. I believe I am going to be around for some time, but all the plans I made for my future dried up when I got sick.

Three QuestionsGirl who walks alone

It is those three questions stated earlier in this post that are driving me. What do I want? I want to be happy and fulfilled. I have decided that I have three avenues to achieve this. Being a grandmother, speaking at church, and writing. These things will carry me into the future and sustain me, while at the same time keeping me anchored in the now.

Realizing Valuedscf0652

When I am with my grand-daughter life changes at a moments notice and everything is a miracle. When I am speaking at church, I first must write, and I must focus on what my words are and how they will help someone right now. It is important to me that people realize their value, their purpose and that they are loved unconditionally.

Love is All

I have worked hard to realize and believe these truths for myself and I know that this knowledge of being loved beyond measure and having a purpose is what saves us.

And just as important to me, I find that writing has become my drive and my goal, the journey of my now and my future.

Pen to Paper What is YOUR dream?  How do you want to spend the rest of your life?  What makes you happy?  Please…comment below and share your thoughts with me.

Just For Today

today

This is taken from Wisdom Pearls which I receive by email each day.

“Just For Today”: 10 Resolutions to Make Today The Best Day

We’re not sure if you’ve realized it yet, but there is, in reality, only one day. Everyone, ever, in the history of all the world has experienced their entire lives in the only place it can ever take place: today. It’s true. Yesterday consists of a discarded today. Tomorrow, a dream of today to come. Life happens now.

So TODAY we bring you something that can help you line up with this only day. A listicle long before listicles were even a ‘thing’, this 10 point summary has turned up, in full and in part, in places as varied and obscure as The Christian Science Monitor, a weekly publication named Masonic Histriology, and George Harrison’s 1987 album Cloud Nine. Mistakenly attributed to a nun named Sybil F. Partridge for years (even being published as such in a 1948 Dale Carnegie book entitled “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”) it was actually written for The Boston Globe in 1921 by an author named Frank Crane who had a column in the paper called “Dr. Crane Says”.

So, nearly 100 years later, we bring it to you now, on the same, simple day it has been seen by everyone during that time, and will be to come. Enjoy. {WP}
Here are ten resolutions to make when you awake in the morning.

They are Just for One Day. Think of them not as a life task but as a day’s work.

These things will give you pleasure. Yet they require will power. You don’t need resolutions to do what is easy.

1. Just for Today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life-problem at once. I can do some things for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

2. Just for Today, I will be Happy. This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happiness is from Within; it is not a matter of Externals.

3. Just for Today, I will Adjust myself to what Is, and not try to Adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my family, my business, and my luck as they come, and fit myself to them.

4. Just for Today, I will take care of my Body. I will exercise it, care for it, and nourish it, and not abuse it nor neglect it; so that it will be a perfect machine for my will.

5. Just for Today, I will try to strengthen my mind, I will study. I will learn something useful, I will not be a mental loafer all day. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

6. Just for Today, I will exercise my Soul. In three ways, to wit:

(a) I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count.

(b) I will do at least two things I don’t want to do, as William James suggests, just for exercise.

(c) I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt, but Today I will not show it.

7. Just for Today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible,  talk low,  act courteously, be liberal with flattery, criticize not one bit nor find fault with anything, and not try to regulate nor improve anybody.

8. Just for Today, I will have a Programme. I will write down just what I expect to do every hour. I may not follow it exactly, but I’ll have it. It will save me from the two pests Hurry and Indecision.

9. Just for Today, I will have a quiet half hour, all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, some time, I will think of God, so as to get a little more perspective to my life.

10. Just for Today, I will be Unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to be Happy, to enjoy what is Beautiful, to love and to believe that those I love, love me.

 

Can YOU think of anything else you could do just for today, to make your life better?  To have a more positive effect on others?  Please comment!

November 2014 – Gains and Losses

November has not been an easy month this year.

I lost my first best friend to an unexpected death on November 1st.  We met when we were 11 years old, she would have been 54 in December.  It was such a shock because it was so unexpected, yet she was having medical problems that were never identified.  Now there is the mystery of what caused her passing.

Wendy and Dave

Wendy and Dave dancing, this is how I will remember her!

I am told that this particular November’s full moon provided an easier portal to the next plane of existence and that if one really desired to go, one would be able to will it to happen.

I know that Wendy missed her husband so much.

She lost him to cancer about 4 years ago and she never finished grieving.  I feel like Dave must have called to her through that portal and she willingly went to him.  I don’t know if this is a true representation of what happens to us spiritually when our body dies, but the thought gives me comfort and it feels right.

 

 

 

The next thing that happened is that I almost lost my dog, Holly. 

She is a border collie mix, about 11 years old.  She has been staying with my friend while I am living with my parents trying to get back on my feet.  Well, my friend lost her home and ended up in a motel with my dog along with her 3 little dogs.

Holly 11-7-14-2

Holly sitting in the driver’s seat!

I mounted a Facebook campaign to get help:

a rescue, a foster home or something.  Ended up with people contacting me willing to help in many ways.  One woman took food and treats to the hotel, along with leashes and collars.  Another woman provided for vet care for all 4 dogs and helped raise money for my friend’s motel bill so that she could stay with the dogs.

Eventually a friend from church offered to foster Holly and so Holly is now with her.

I am really happy about that because my friend who was keeping Holly is now on the move to Arkansas!   It’s hard enough losing 2 friends without losing my dog too!

 

Rexann and baby Nataly

Rexann and baby Nataly

I know this friend is not really lost to me, but living so far away and making a life will limit our communication.  I will miss her.  I’ll miss talking on the phone almost every day sharing stories about our grand children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I turned 55 this month, and the week of my birthday was very peaceful.  I had come to turns pretty much with Wendy’s death and Rexann’s decisions, also with the idea that I may have to allow Holly to be adopted.

My family celebrated my birthday over the time of several days, which was wonderful!  Mom took me shopping, dad had already paid for my membership at 24 hour fitness, my son and his wife bought me a new camera.

My parents took me and Samantha to lunch on my birthday, we had fabulous Mexican food and I had Flan for the first time.  Sammie of course had a corn dog and fries!

Samantha

 

 

 

 

 

But aside from all the gifts, I felt the love.

Feeling the love enabled me to remember all that I have to be grateful for.  It is just too much to list here, but I will say I am grateful for my family and my friends, and how being with them all enriches my life in spite of or maybe  because of my financial situation.

The last 2 years of my life have been a journey of healing for me, and it still continues.  I have come so far from where I was that I can now look toward the future with anticipation for what may come next!

I think that even though 55 has had such a shocking beginning, it looks to be a really good year.

Please share with me a time in your life when you felt great change, experienced loss, or received some kind of healing!