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Grieving, Karma and Eternal Life

I have been putting off writing this article for a very long time, yet I know I need to write it.  Today I feel like maybe I can.

This is about grief and suicide.  It’s about life after death.  Most importantly it’s about love.

ascending staircase

The reason I have been absent from the blog for so long is that last year I found out that my dearest friend, Russell, committed suicide.  Even though he is my dearest friend, we had not spoken since December of 2012. I was in a bad place, once again experiencing major depression, chronic pain, and entering into a dark night of the soul.  He tried so hard to pull me out of it but his words hit me wrong, so I walked away.

At the end of that month, I moved in with my parents temporarily.  Being in a safe place and having some of life’s stress removed from my care, I began to get better.  Every now and then I would leave a voice mail or send an email to Russ, inviting him to contact me.

In January of 2015 I had a major shift in my spiritual belief system.  Being that he was an atheist I wanted to discuss my questions with him.  So again I left a message and sent an email.  About a month later it occurred to me that since he had not returned my calls for a couple of years maybe he really was done with me.  In the past we could go a couple of months without talking and then pick right back up.  But he wasnt responding this time.

So, I sent one more email telling him that I loved him, telling him that if he really was done with me then I understood but that I wanted him to know that he was important to me , that I knew he would be with me everywhere I go.

I hit send, turned off my light and settled in to sleep.  Only I couldn’t.  My mind was racing with thoughts of him, thoughts of trying to find out for sure if he really didn’t want anything to do with me.

We met in 1983, when I was 23 and he was 38.  For me it was love at first sight.  We dated for a few months but then he decided that my mindset was too serious and he wanted to just have fun. So he broke up with me.  I listened to what he had to say.  I left his apartment and went to my car to go home but I just sat there.  I really really didn’t want to lose him. I was hurting so much and I didn’t want to have it end this way, painfully.  So I got out of the car and went back to his door and knocked.  When he opened it I simply said ” I don’t want it to end this way”.  He opened the door wider, I went in and we talked.

Over time we became the best of friends and lovers.  We had hours long conversations on the phone.  We shared each other’s music and books, I could name every woman he dated and what he liked about them.  But underneath this cover of friendship, I was still in love with him.  I was waiting it out.  Sometimes it was painful and difficult to listen to him talk about other women. We often talked about what qualities existed in his idea of a perfect woman and relationship, a topic we called The One.  I always believed that  I was The One and prayed that one day he would recognize that.  Other days, we would argue and fight, I would drop to my knees and thank god that I had not married him!

We had our own magic.  There were times when we were so intimate that he could look in my eyes and read my mind.  I could call him on the phone when I was having a meltdown and he had the perfect words to pour over my head like warm honey, calming me and helping me change perspective.

I was there for him in his other dark times.  After he stopped working due to disability, a time came when he ran out of money.  He was close to suicide. He called me and asked me to find some way to help him, so I did.  I gathered information he needed to apply for early Social Security.  I obtained the funds from a church to pay his rent.  I found out all the community services available to help him financially and emotionally.  I made appointments for him, I handled his check book and saw that his bills were paid.  I made arrangements with his other friends to bring him food.  I coached him on how to handle people at his appointments in order to get the desired outcome.  This went on for months and it was very draining for me.  Sometimes he would take his frustrations out on me and I would want to step away from all of it but  he would beg me to stay.  I loved him deeply, so I stayed.  He trusted me more than anyone else in his life.

And we got through it.

Russell did things to help me in my life as well.  He possessed a wealth of information. Before the days of Google, if I needed to know something I could always get the best answer from him.  He never failed me.  He helped me practice my public speaking. He was always interested in my personal growth and tried to help.  He was always my cheerleader.

After the ordeal he went through he became more interested in what makes me tick.  He knew so much about me already but now it seemed that he wanted to understand the why of how I thought.

One day he thanked me for being who I was because, he said, I taught him more about how to love.  He perceived that  I demanded that he love me and express that love in a way that I could feel and relate to. He tried harder to do that.  Many times he nailed it.  No one else in my life could get into my thoughts and emotions, no one else could read my mind like he could. This was so important to me because due to a childhood trauma I had a hard time letting people into my life to love me.

That night in February I started searching for him online.  His various social accounts were all active but when I searched his address through the white pages I found that the listing for his address showed the previous resident was deceased.

“Ah”,  I thought,  he must have had that heart attack that was always just around the corner.  I had to know what happened to him.  Several more searches and I found the listing for him with the Medical Examiners office. It stated the cause of death was suicide in April of 2013.  Well, shit!  

I contacted the Medical Examiner’s  office and they gave me a copy of the autopsy.  Russ had committed suicide by shooting himself in the head.

The details are just too grisly.  I felt stunned.  I was so shocked; I felt my vision blur and my chest tighten.  I read it over and over because I simply could not believe it!  I remembered then that he had always told me this would be the way he died if he ever became seriously ill.  Well, that was a thought then, maybe he had been sick.

I called the manager of the apartments.  He told  me that Russ had been in a lot of pain.  When I talked to his sister-in-law she told me that a prescription for prostate medicine had arrived at the apartment after his death. Ok, one and one is two, Russ must have done this because of the pain he was in and a fear of cancer.  Contrary to popular opinion I respect a person’s right to end their life.  I only wish I could have been there for him and that his passing could have been gentler.

I also found out when I talked to her that they had not claimed his ashes.  Almost 2  years had gone by and they had not claimed him!  The thought of his remains sitting on a shelf in some warehouse was heartbreaking.  So I claimed him and brought him home.   He is in a box in  my closet now, and a part of him is in a silver heart I wear around my neck.

The shock wore off after a couple of weeks, I cried a lot.  I began grieving.  I talked to him, I wrote letters to him and I cried some more.

I had never lost someone this close to me and in this manner.  I didn’t know what to expect or how to process it.  I made a playlist of songs that reminded me of him, of us, or how I was feeling about him or how I had felt about him.  I played it constantly for a while and it gave me a release valve for my emotions.  I felt very guilty for not being there when he needed someone.  He didn’t leave a note. It was 3 months from the time I had stopped speaking to him in December 2012 to his death on April 1st, 2013.  I wondered what would have happened  if he had felt he could talk to me.  I wondered if I could have been a better friend.  Would it have made a difference?

I laid awake in bed many nights telling him I was sorry.

sleeping fairy1

One night, incredibly, he paid me a visit!  This was the first contact he made with me since I found out he was gone. ( I believe now that the urge to find him came from him).  He came to me in a dream.  In the dream we were in his apartment and his ex-wife was there too.  Russ was sleeping on the couch and she and I were cleaning his kitchen.  We talked about how sick he was.  Then I was in the living room and I was standing behind him as he sat on a footstool.  I had my arms around his neck, my face buried in his hair.  I could feel the silky softness of his hair and I could smell him.  I was telling him how much I loved him.  I was giving him reassuring words that everything was going to work out and that I was there for him.  I was telling him all the things I wished I could have said before he died.  When I stopped talking,  I was flooded with his love.

It came over me like a soft cloud, emotions cascading over and through me.  I felt his love for me! I felt his happiness at being healed, I felt him reassure me that he is ok now and he is truly happy.  He is safe and well.  Again and again he told me how much he loved me too, not with words but a sharing of the knowing of it.  The quality of this dream was such that I believe in my heart and mind  it was real, that he really came to me to tell me these things.  This wonderful man who could read my mind found a way to reach out from the spiritual plane to touch me again.

I found myself talking to him off an on, in my mind.  I invited him to visit me in my dreams.  Now and then I will hear a song on the radio that expresses something about our relationship so perfectly and I know that this is one way he speaks to me.

Several months later the most marvelous thing happened while I was driving down the highway.  I was thinking of Russell and then I heard him in my mind.  He told me that in this lifetime he had learned how to love me and in our relationship in this life I had learned to find my voice.  He told me that this was the reason we had both been here together in this life, after having been together in so many lifetimes and experiencing so many tragic relationship failures.  This time we had learned the lesson and our karma had been answered.  He promised me that in the next life we share together we would indeed have the relationship that we had longed for.

Believing in reincarnation, having discussed that belief with him many times, I felt nothing less than absolute joy at this revelation!

Karma is such an elusive idea, most of the time we just wonder and hope to figure out why we are here and what we are supposed to be doing.  We follow our hearts or expectations and hope for the  best.  I feel extremely fortunate to be allowed to know this one aspect of my karma, to know that I am successful in answering it!  What a gift indeed.

I know there are many reasons why I am living this life, at this time.  My relationship with Russell is a big reason, but not the only one.  There are other reasons that may be just as profound.  Knowing now what I know about my relationship with Russell informs me about the beauty of life.

Lovers

The biggest insight of all is that life goes on.  Clearly there  is no heaven or hell,  life is eternal right now.  Life always has been, and always will be!  We don’t have to earn an eternal life, we don’t need to be saved from anything in order to enjoy a positive outcome after living a life here on earth.  As humans, we come from life, we live a life, we return to the source place of life, and again and again, because we are life and we have manifested ourselves in order to improve our experience.

I am grateful.  I am grateful to have known Russell in my life at this time in the cycle of my many lives.  I am grateful to have heard from Russell after he left this earth and grateful to know he is alive somewhere and that he wants to and does speak to me.  I am grateful to know without doubt that he loved me and still does.  I am grateful to know that we will be together, in fact that we are never really apart.

I am grateful for love!

Have you lost someone to suicide?  Have you been visited by a departed loved one?  What have you learned?  Please tell  me!

 

 

The Dark Night

There is a time in life that most people go through.  It’s not about hitting bottom, it feels worse than that.  Its more than a rough patch, it seems endless no matter what you do.  Weeks and months go by and it doesn’t seem to get better.  Every thing you touch turns to shit, people get tired of helping or holding your hand.

More and more you don’t want to be a drain on your loved ones so you withdraw, a little more every day.  If you do go out, go to work or run errands, you are just going through the motions.  There is no rhyme or reason for the way it is, and you run out of ideas or energy for making it better.  It doesn’t  seem to change, or end.

Dark Night1

It is called  The Dark Night of the Soul.  If you are very lucky you may have a handful of loved ones who will stick by you.

Sometimes I think my whole life has been one long dark night.  Then I remember some pretty good times, years of happiness and prosperity.  That is what the Dark Night does to you, it makes you forget the happiness you have known.  In reality I have had periods of great happiness, wonderful contentment, and many periods in my life that I call the Dark Night.

This current Night started around 2007 and is by far the longest night I have endured.  It crept up on me quietly and misled me by disguising itself as progress.

The company I was working for had been bought out some years before and in 2007 they started making some serious changes.  At first I was assigned some traveling, which I thought was fantastic.   Then I was given some special projects and opportunities to advance myself and help to reshape the department.  Fantastic.  Hmm, lots of unpaid overtime. The more I did for them, the more work they gave me.  In my personal life I was attending a lot of spiritual retreats and classes.  I really thought this was all a new and exciting chapter in my life.

The stress started to get to me, though.  I developed an anxiety disorder.  Then I started having random pain in my body for no apparent reason.  I hurt my back working out at the gym and it never got any better.   I ended up on anti-anxiety and pain medications.  In 2008 I hit menopause, adding an anti-depressant.  In 2009 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, had to take 6 weeks leave of absence, and more medicine.

dark night3

I never really returned to work full-time.  I had to take off several days every month for rest and pain management and often just because the fatigue was overwhelming.

Then the other shoe dropped as a result of all the time I had given the company to restructure our department, they decided to move the location of our office from Texas to Michigan.  I was not making that move.

In September 2010 I was laid off.  I was able to get a temp job in March but it only lasted a few weeks due to my need for days off to rest.  I applied for early retirement through Social Security, beginning another long process that I am still muddling through.  I was no longer able to leave the house for shopping or able to clean house and do my laundry.  I only made it through those months because of 3 dear friends. One came to shop and clean and wash, one came to spend the night several times to keep me company and the other one took me out to breakfast once a week.

In December 2012 I lost my house and had to let my dog go to foster care.  I moved in with my parents and applied for medical care through the county.  Lots of pain pills.  The oblivion was so alluring.

I was no longer involved in church, or anything really.  The new doctor began rationing my pain pills and eventually took me off them.  I still have pain but at least I am awake.

Things seems to even out after a while, but living with elderly parents and fighting depression and anxiety, emotional upheaval became the norm.

And all along I have been fighting the Darkness.  Begging the universe to bring an end to it, looking for ways to find the Light again.  Its exhausting.  Fighting anything is exhausting.

In spite of my efforts to make things better, it only got worse!  I was fighting with every one in my life. Finally this past summer I decided that enough was enough and that I was ready to check out.  I wrote a note.  I texted it to 2 friends and saved it in my phone.  Then I got in the car and went to visit a friend in Arkansas.  It’s only 6 hours away and 1 tank of gas.  It was the beginning of October and I planned to live only until the 13th.  Russ’s birthday would be my day to leave this plane.

Well, my friend became seriously ill right after I arrived.  We made a pact: that as long as she would fight for her life, I would not try to end mine.  I hate to say that her illness saved my life, but I felt needed and useful.

dark night2

After returning home, I started thinking about this Dark Night and why it wasn’t ending.  I was reading a lot of memes on Facebook about resistance and attraction and other metaphysical stuff.  I had tried the constant gratefulness route before but nothing really got better so I had given up on that.  I began to think along the lines of letting the Universe have its way.

One meme really resonated with me, “what you resist, persists”.

One morning it just hit me in the forehead.  Why am I fighting this Darkness anyway?  Is there something inherently wrong with being in the dark?  Isn’t darkness part of universal balance?  Could there be a real reason for being there?  I made a decision right then.

No more resistance.

I accept the Darkness for what it is.  I accept that this is where I am right now.  I will embrace it.  I will enjoy it.  I will open up to whatever I can learn from it.

I will make it my friend, and maybe it won’t kill me.

Instead of viewing it as a black bottomless pit of despair, I am seeing this Dark Night as a friend who is walking along a path with me while I make decisions about what I am going to do with the rest of my life.  I am recording my thoughts in my Book of Light, so that I will remember this struggle and so that I can teach  my grand-daughter how best to handle her Dark Nights when they come, as they will, as it seems they must.

After all, it is only in the darkness that we can see the light of the stars.

stars at night

Returning

Hi Everyone,

I have been away from the blog for several months in order to grieve the loss of 2 dear friends.  I am back now with lots to share!

In this journey of profound grief I became interested in natural ways to achieve and maintain physical as well as emotional and mental health.  I have met some cool people and old and new friends have been so supportive.

I am going to be sharing with you the methods I have adopted for improving my health in future articles.

One item I want to share today is fruit water!  I have moved away from artificially sweetened drinks, but I have a strong sweet tooth nonetheless.

I started by replacing the diet drinks with Sierra Mist which is sweetened with sugar and stevia.  I love the taste and after a month or so away from the sucralose I did notice some improvements in my body.  Less dryness, fewer headaches, etc.  But my weight started to increase.  So I have cut down on that drink although I still enjoy a couple of cans a day.

What I am doing instead is making my own fruit water.  It’s really simple.  So far I have tried a strawberry lemon cucumber mix, pineapple mango cucumber mix, blueberry pomegranate cucumber mix and blackberry pomegranate mix.

The cucumber seems to bring out the flavor and sweetness of the fruit, but you only need a couple of slices otherwise it can be overpowering.

My favorite so far is the blueberry pomegranate cucumber.  Last Fall I bought 3 huge pomegranates on sale and seeded them.  Then I portioned the seeds into 1 cup zip lock bags and tossed them in the freezer.  To make the water I put a couple of slices of cucumber in a large glass, added about a half cup of frozen organic blueberries and a quarter cup of the frozen pomegranate seeds then filled the cup with filtered water.  Screwed the top on and let it sit in the refrigerator overnight.  The next afternoon I transferred the concoction to my Yeti cup which keeps drinks cold all day long!  It was a wonderful elixir and I have enjoyed it several times this past week.

handful-of-blueberries

Helpful tip:  to seed a pomegranate easily do this, slice off a little from the bottom, just enough so that it will sit flat.  Using a sharp knife cut out a circle from the top making it like an inverted cone and pull that off.  Then score the pomegranate vertically along the natural ridges.  Placing your thumbs in the opening on top and your fingers holding the bottom, gently pull the pomegranate apart into sections along the scoring.  One section at a time pluck the seeds out!  It’s really simple and fast.

Pomegranate

My least favorite so far is the pineapple mango cucumber, mainly because it gave me indigestion.  I will have to work with the proportions and see if I can make it work because it does taste pretty good.

I am working on trying different things for healthy snacks, and I have spent the past year learning about and using essential oils for physical and mental health.  I will write about these very soon.

I am also growing an aloe vera plant!aloe vera

What are you trying in order to make your body more healthy?  What other healthy food topics would you like to hear about?  Please let me know, I want to make this interesting!

Does It Make You Happy?

Dove and Nautilus shells

Just before the holidays I was having a rough time at home.  Communication was not good, and not being able to have my own place was taking its toll.  There was a bit of conflict and the result of all this was that I began to experience a certain amount of anxiety.  I don’t mind admitting that I decided to seek help.

I have been through intense counseling at other times in my life.  This wasn’t new to me and seemed like the best way to have someone objectively help me review my problems and come up with some things I could do to make my life better.

I only went to appointments a few times,  but it turns out that was all I needed.  The first few times I spent the hour getting things off my chest.  Then, I guess the 4th or 5th appointment, she asked me a question, “does it make you happy?”.

She told me that this is the question that I should ask myself in pretty much any given situation.  I realize that the value of happiness is not just summed up in the moment, but that one has to think about whether any long-term consequences will or will not make one happy.

you have the right to be happy

you have the right to be happy

Thinking about how to be happy does not make one selfish.

Happiness is a state of being, a state of mind.  Being happy is a decision one makes about how to live life, it is not something that just happens.

I asked myself what I wanted in this life.  I have asked that question at various times in my life.  I have discovered that all I really want is to be happy.  I have also learned that even after losing almost everything, I still have more than enough in my life to be happy about.

What makes me happy?

Spending time with my grand-daughter, feeling her cuddle up to me in the night.   Sunshine.  Animals.  Good books.  Writing.  Pretty jewelry, which does not have to be at all expensive, and a great haircut.

Christmas cake with orange buttercream frosting

Flowers, a cold drink on a hot day.  Handmade gifts, given and received.  Photographs.  Long conversations with old friends.  A cup of wonderful coffee.

Talking with my son, listening to my grand-daughter, talking with my daughter-in-law.  A weekend away from home.  Delicious food.  Chocolate.

Spiritual Love 2

It also makes me happy to help someone.  Being there when a friend is needed.  Giving encouragement and affirmation.  Sharing good news.  Letting someone help me.

Gratitude

It makes me happy to be grateful.  Letting go of the worry about what is to become of me and instead becoming grateful for what I have, and the knowledge that it is enough.  This makes me feel such a peaceful happiness, like sleeping in the arms of a loved one.

Live in Peace and Love

Pretty much anything that does not serve the purpose of happiness and love is no longer important to me.  I do get concerned about what is going on in our country and in our world because I truly believe that  everyone else deserves to be happy too.  I realize that everyone has different ideas about what will make them happy and for some it involves justice.  I believe everyone should have the justice they need.  It makes me happy to bring the awareness of these needs to others, because I believe that the sooner we all work to make life better for everyone, the sooner we can all realize peace.

What makes me happy?  It’s up to me to decide that every day.

Your turn now!  What makes you happy?

 

 

Fifty Five – Where Do I Go From Here…

birthday cake candles lit

Having just faced my 55th birthday I have been thinking and deciding what to do with the second half of my life. I spent the first half raising a child, working hard in corporate America and trying to save for retirement. When I think about those years I realize I was always looking forward, which is better than looking back, I suppose.

I also realize that I have missed out on many opportunities by not paying attention to the now. What do I want right NOW? How can I be happy NOW? Where can I find fulfillment NOW?

Now, not later.

Not Wasting Away

I am unable to work in the corporate world any longer due to disability. I don’t intend to just waste away either! I am a grandmother now and this gives me such joy. I serve in my church and this gives me much satisfaction. I believe I am going to be around for some time, but all the plans I made for my future dried up when I got sick.

Three QuestionsGirl who walks alone

It is those three questions stated earlier in this post that are driving me. What do I want? I want to be happy and fulfilled. I have decided that I have three avenues to achieve this. Being a grandmother, speaking at church, and writing. These things will carry me into the future and sustain me, while at the same time keeping me anchored in the now.

Realizing Valuedscf0652

When I am with my grand-daughter life changes at a moments notice and everything is a miracle. When I am speaking at church, I first must write, and I must focus on what my words are and how they will help someone right now. It is important to me that people realize their value, their purpose and that they are loved unconditionally.

Love is All

I have worked hard to realize and believe these truths for myself and I know that this knowledge of being loved beyond measure and having a purpose is what saves us.

And just as important to me, I find that writing has become my drive and my goal, the journey of my now and my future.

Pen to Paper What is YOUR dream?  How do you want to spend the rest of your life?  What makes you happy?  Please…comment below and share your thoughts with me.

Just For Today

today

This is taken from Wisdom Pearls which I receive by email each day.

“Just For Today”: 10 Resolutions to Make Today The Best Day

We’re not sure if you’ve realized it yet, but there is, in reality, only one day. Everyone, ever, in the history of all the world has experienced their entire lives in the only place it can ever take place: today. It’s true. Yesterday consists of a discarded today. Tomorrow, a dream of today to come. Life happens now.

So TODAY we bring you something that can help you line up with this only day. A listicle long before listicles were even a ‘thing’, this 10 point summary has turned up, in full and in part, in places as varied and obscure as The Christian Science Monitor, a weekly publication named Masonic Histriology, and George Harrison’s 1987 album Cloud Nine. Mistakenly attributed to a nun named Sybil F. Partridge for years (even being published as such in a 1948 Dale Carnegie book entitled “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”) it was actually written for The Boston Globe in 1921 by an author named Frank Crane who had a column in the paper called “Dr. Crane Says”.

So, nearly 100 years later, we bring it to you now, on the same, simple day it has been seen by everyone during that time, and will be to come. Enjoy. {WP}
Here are ten resolutions to make when you awake in the morning.

They are Just for One Day. Think of them not as a life task but as a day’s work.

These things will give you pleasure. Yet they require will power. You don’t need resolutions to do what is easy.

1. Just for Today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life-problem at once. I can do some things for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

2. Just for Today, I will be Happy. This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happiness is from Within; it is not a matter of Externals.

3. Just for Today, I will Adjust myself to what Is, and not try to Adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my family, my business, and my luck as they come, and fit myself to them.

4. Just for Today, I will take care of my Body. I will exercise it, care for it, and nourish it, and not abuse it nor neglect it; so that it will be a perfect machine for my will.

5. Just for Today, I will try to strengthen my mind, I will study. I will learn something useful, I will not be a mental loafer all day. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

6. Just for Today, I will exercise my Soul. In three ways, to wit:

(a) I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count.

(b) I will do at least two things I don’t want to do, as William James suggests, just for exercise.

(c) I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt, but Today I will not show it.

7. Just for Today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible,  talk low,  act courteously, be liberal with flattery, criticize not one bit nor find fault with anything, and not try to regulate nor improve anybody.

8. Just for Today, I will have a Programme. I will write down just what I expect to do every hour. I may not follow it exactly, but I’ll have it. It will save me from the two pests Hurry and Indecision.

9. Just for Today, I will have a quiet half hour, all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, some time, I will think of God, so as to get a little more perspective to my life.

10. Just for Today, I will be Unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to be Happy, to enjoy what is Beautiful, to love and to believe that those I love, love me.

 

Can YOU think of anything else you could do just for today, to make your life better?  To have a more positive effect on others?  Please comment!

November 2014 – Gains and Losses

November has not been an easy month this year.

I lost my first best friend to an unexpected death on November 1st.  We met when we were 11 years old, she would have been 54 in December.  It was such a shock because it was so unexpected, yet she was having medical problems that were never identified.  Now there is the mystery of what caused her passing.

Wendy and Dave

Wendy and Dave dancing, this is how I will remember her!

I am told that this particular November’s full moon provided an easier portal to the next plane of existence and that if one really desired to go, one would be able to will it to happen.

I know that Wendy missed her husband so much.

She lost him to cancer about 4 years ago and she never finished grieving.  I feel like Dave must have called to her through that portal and she willingly went to him.  I don’t know if this is a true representation of what happens to us spiritually when our body dies, but the thought gives me comfort and it feels right.

 

 

 

The next thing that happened is that I almost lost my dog, Holly. 

She is a border collie mix, about 11 years old.  She has been staying with my friend while I am living with my parents trying to get back on my feet.  Well, my friend lost her home and ended up in a motel with my dog along with her 3 little dogs.

Holly 11-7-14-2

Holly sitting in the driver’s seat!

I mounted a Facebook campaign to get help:

a rescue, a foster home or something.  Ended up with people contacting me willing to help in many ways.  One woman took food and treats to the hotel, along with leashes and collars.  Another woman provided for vet care for all 4 dogs and helped raise money for my friend’s motel bill so that she could stay with the dogs.

Eventually a friend from church offered to foster Holly and so Holly is now with her.

I am really happy about that because my friend who was keeping Holly is now on the move to Arkansas!   It’s hard enough losing 2 friends without losing my dog too!

 

Rexann and baby Nataly

Rexann and baby Nataly

I know this friend is not really lost to me, but living so far away and making a life will limit our communication.  I will miss her.  I’ll miss talking on the phone almost every day sharing stories about our grand children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I turned 55 this month, and the week of my birthday was very peaceful.  I had come to turns pretty much with Wendy’s death and Rexann’s decisions, also with the idea that I may have to allow Holly to be adopted.

My family celebrated my birthday over the time of several days, which was wonderful!  Mom took me shopping, dad had already paid for my membership at 24 hour fitness, my son and his wife bought me a new camera.

My parents took me and Samantha to lunch on my birthday, we had fabulous Mexican food and I had Flan for the first time.  Sammie of course had a corn dog and fries!

Samantha

 

 

 

 

 

But aside from all the gifts, I felt the love.

Feeling the love enabled me to remember all that I have to be grateful for.  It is just too much to list here, but I will say I am grateful for my family and my friends, and how being with them all enriches my life in spite of or maybe  because of my financial situation.

The last 2 years of my life have been a journey of healing for me, and it still continues.  I have come so far from where I was that I can now look toward the future with anticipation for what may come next!

I think that even though 55 has had such a shocking beginning, it looks to be a really good year.

Please share with me a time in your life when you felt great change, experienced loss, or received some kind of healing!