This hasn’t been a good week, at all. Last week was so much better and I think I would like to turn back the clock and get a do over.
I could say it’s a matter of perspective. It probably is but that is not how it seems. I struggle with Major Depression and even though I am on some good medication, I still have to struggle.
I don’t like that word “struggle”. I like better the idea that if you do not resist then you open yourself up to all possibilities. But in the case of depression, it IS a struggle.
The other option is escape. There are quite a few ways to find escape, some harmful and some not. If I am not too far into the darkness I can read or watch TV. Talking on the phone helps, but it seems like when I need that the most, every one has gone to bed or not at home. Being overwhelmed by depression is not something that can wait til later to be dealt with.
My favorite and most effective distraction from bad thoughts and darkness is my grand-daughter Samantha. I have tried to explain this to people but only one or two seem to get it.
She gives me complete unconditional love, and I do the same for her. I love her in a way I have never experienced before. Hearing her voice can lift me up to the clouds, or calm me down and make me feel at peace. When we are together, we don’t want to be apart. She will follow me everywhere and she will hardly leave the room unless I come with her. When she spends the night, she will snuggle up to me so close I can feel her heartbeat and her warmth becomes a part of me. Even in the summer it is not too hot. Then when morning comes, we wake up at about the same time. It’s uncanny!
I haven’t seen her in about a month. Since I don’t have my own place right now, I don’t get to see her anytime I want to. It is so very frustrating that I just want to scream and scream and scream! It’s not like I don’t know that I WILL see her again, it’s just that when I am in this frame of mind what counts is right now, not next week or next month.
Before she came into my life, when depression would hit me this way and there was no one to talk to I would just cry all night, all day. Sometimes I would take some pain medication just to stop feeling and go to sleep. (This is part of the reason I don’t live on my own right now.)
Samantha and I both know we are here to help each other. I told her this when she was a baby and just after she turned three she told me the same thing, the exact same words. So I believe this is true, that we are blessings from God for each other.
I don’t mean to imply that my relationship with her is more important than her relationship with her parents. It’s not. It’s just different. It’s not because of how she makes me feel that I love her so much. I love her because she is Samantha, a beautiful creature inside and out, and she is a part of me, the best part. No one, not one, loves her the way I do.
What is wrong with wanting her cuddles when I am feeling down? I don’t want her to talk me into being happy, or make her responsible for my feeling better, that isn’t her job. Her job is to be a little girl and to learn and grow up. She needs the cuddles and attention that only her grandma can give her, as much as I need to have her near me. It’s a two-way street actually. I don’t think that anyone I have tried to explain this to understands.
The depression is compounded by the fact that I have little control over my life right now. I can’t get the medications I know would work best for me, because I have no insurance and the county has strict guidelines on what medications they will issue and what dosages. Some of these medications are not working very well. Some of the treatments for my chronic pain aren’t working at all.
I can’t work outside the home, yet I am having to fight fight fight an ongoing battle with Social Security and I continue to get turned down. At present the appeal has gone to the federal board and all I can do is wait. No control.
The lawyer told me I could earn a little bit of money working from home, but not too much. So I am trying to sell products online and to friends from a direct sales company, but after a good first start the sales have dropped off. I am worried that it won’t pick up. I know its back to school time and that makes a difference. Fear is part of depression, and what I know intellectually does not make the fear go away.
Due to this slow sales time, I have no money. That means I can’t put more gas in my car or get it inspected. This leads to arguments with my son over whether or not he feels like bringing Samantha to me. After all, he works all week and has to drive through traffic all week long. After all, I say back to him, I don’t have any money for gas!
No control. It’s all out of control right now and that feels wrong and scary. It does not feel normal. You see, I have been in control of my life for a long time. I raised my son on my own, have had a good employment record, paid off debt. I have become an ordained minister and I have helped other people. I have been there when my friends or my sister needed me. I have been there for my parents and always, always for my son.
It’s not like they aren’t there for me. I am living in my parents house right now. My son contributes to the cost of doctors and medicine. My dear friends are willing to do whatever they can…
Depression is such a horrid thing. It makes you think that whatever anyone can do for you is not enough. You feel like there just isn’t enough and never will be. You feel like nothing is possible.
I haven’t even been able to write all week, until this evening. I am writing now because I am so very angry. Angry with the depression, angry with the chronic pain, angry with the fatigue, angry that I can’t have my grand-daughter over to visit me this weekend. Angry that I don’t have control over my life the way I used to.
I am even angry that I don’t have my dog with me anymore, even though I know she is with friends that love her and she is happier there. Her name is Holly and she and I bonded into a friendship that was a new experience for me. We used to sing songs together. But there isn’t enough room for her here, so my dear friend took her in. I am so glad she didn’t have to go to strangers, but I am angry that I can’t have her with me. Samantha loves Holly too, and together we all had some funny times. Samantha used to drop food to the floor from her highchair and call to Holly to come and eat it. She thought it was such a hoot! Her giggles were so cute that I could not find it in myself to get her to stop dropping food on the floor.
No control. Is God in control then? I don’t even know anymore. It feels like everyone else is in control of my life except me. Even this depression. It comes when it pleases, and stays as long as it pleases.
I have a lot of years left to live, and I don’t know if I can do that if everyone is in control of my life except me.
I guess I can control one thing tonight, and that is whether or not I keep on whining or find some other way to distract myself until blessed sleep takes over.
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