Taking Charge of My Life

]Woman with white wolves in winter

Did you know that this week the moon is very close to the Earth again?  I forget what they call that, but it normally only happens once a year.  This year, however, it is happening at least 3 times.   This week is the third time, I believe.  If you believe in this kind of thing, that the  stars, constellations and the moon have an effect on our lives, then this event is an important one.

For me,  its been a very difficult week.  I had minor back surgery on Monday, and I am still in a lot of pain.  I feel like my parents are expecting me to be well now, and my problems are so much more than just back degenerative spine.  I have a lot of medical issues.  I am doing what I can about it, but I have no insurance and Texas did not accept expanded Medicaid in the Affordable Care Act.  So I have to rely on the generosity of the county hospital and its doctors.  They are great, very caring and professional, but they are also overworked.  There are a lot of people in my situation needing attention.  Which means sometimes I have to wait awhile to get the help I need.  There is going to be another back surgery and it probably won’t happen until October.  In addition there is no guarantee that these procedures will help enough.  The procedure is called Radio Frequency Ablation, and what they do is inject a needle and use radio waves to burn the nerve roots.  But guess what?  Those roots will grow back!

I am told I will never be pain-free, the best I can hope for is a reduction of pain.   I don’t know what else I can say to get people to understand this about me.

If you have read any of my other blog entries, you may remember what I have written about having to move in with my parents at the age of 53, being flat broke, unable to work outside the home and appling for full Social Security benefits.  The last one is a huge battle I am determined to win, but its going to take at least another year!

Then, last week I had that infected tooth and needed a root canal in the worst way.  I was fortunate enough to have a good relationship with my dentist and he agreed to let me pay what I can, when I can.

God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it, has been looking out for me.

Today, I forgot that.  I woke up in pain and depressed.  More so than usual.  I was at the breakfast table reading the paper and drinking some coffee when mother came in.  It was clear to me that she was not in a good mood.  Maybe it was just me, or maybe she just wasn’t completely awake, but I felt it personally.  When I came back to my room, my first thought was “this is going to be a bad day”.

Immediately I felt frustrated and a bit angry.  I knew and remembered that it would only be a bad day  if that is what I decided it would be!

Talking to myself, I started thinking “What can I do to change it, what can I do, there has to be a way to make it a better day. “

First thing, take a hot shower.  I did.  I focused on the water as it soothed my sore back, the way it ran down the back of my head as I held the nozzle over my hair.  The scent of the shower gel which was very pleasing to me.  After I stepped out of the shower, I used a facial wipe infused with cucumber and I focused on the coolness of the paper cloth, the scent of fresh cucumber.

Coming back to my room, I laid down on the bed for a few minutes just to breathe.  Then I dressed, and sat down at the computer.   Other things began to run through my mind.  Things like the fact that so far this week I only have 1 Avon order.  OMG what will I do about that? I need at least 5 more orders to make any money, and I really do need the money!  One of my customers had cancelled her order after I had received the shipment.  I felt angry about this.  It meant I would have to return the items, suck up the late fee I had been charged because she gave me the order late, suck up the return shipment fee.  Suck up the loss of the profit from that sale.  It might also mean I would not have enough funds to pay the invoice due to Avon.

Calm Calm, I told myself.  Let it go until Monday when you have all the deliveries made and see what can be done then.  Breathe, calm.

I checked my email and lo and behold!  I found that an article I wrote about Energy Healing had been bought!  I would only get paid $8.00 but that doesn’t matter, it was my first sale of an article that I wrote and submitted myself!  This was good good news and so encouraging.

What else can I do to make this a better day?  I am worried about the Avon, so I chose to do something about that.  After lunch I prepared door hangers with 2 brochures, samples, and an introductory letter. Then I got my cane and went around my block and distributed the books.  It needed to be done in order to hopefully gain a few new customers, but it was too much too soon for my back.  When I got home I was in a world of pain and all I could do was lay on the bed.  But, I had done it!  It needed to be done, I needed to take at least one step today about my business and I did it.

What else could I do to make this a better day?  I checked the snail mail and found I had a package with paperwork to renew my SNAP benefits.  Oh so much paperwork. No good, I hate paperwork and SNAP paperwork  is so confusing.  How can I make this better and not let it affect my day?   Online.  I went online to their website and looked up my case and filled out the update pages and hit DONE.   The message said it had been received, and if they needed any copies of any other documents, they would notify me.  Good.  It took me about 20 minutes to do that, and I can toss the paperwork.

Now I believe I deserved a nap.  I took some medication for the pain, laid down, called a friend and caught up with her. Called my son and caught up with him.  Actually I used them both for sounding boards but they didn’t mind.   The medicine kicked in and I drifted off.

When I woke up, it was 8 minutes past 7:00 pm!  Almost through this day.   I went to the kitchen for some supper and watched some TV with my parents.   I told them about my article being sold, and they were happy for me.

I called my friends that I usually lunch with on Fridays, and neither of them were available for it.   So, I said “how about you mom?  Want to go  somewhere?”   She said she had a coupon for a new place in town, and we decided we would get up and go for breakfast.   Now I am feeling better than I had felt this morning.

And yet, I still feel anxious.  What if I don’t get any more orders?  What if my parents really don’t understand that I am not well yet nor am I likely to be well completely anytime soon?  What am I going to do about paying my Avon bill?  What if the surgery didn’t work?

I called my friend Kim, because I could not contain all this negativity and stay sane.   Kim and I believe a lot of the same things about life.  We are both struggling to back on our own feet.  I spilled my heart out to her, and I also told her the good things about today.  She had me focus on those things.  We got into a conversation about the Law of Attraction, and how our thoughts can become decrees that we set up for ourselves.

Long story short, I feel uplifted.  I feel empowered again.  This IS MY life.  I will not give it up to anyone else.  I WILL be the one in control of my choices.  I WILL make my own decisions.  I am soon to be 55 years old and I do not need permission from anyone or any other being to do anything I want to do.

I choose to be successful with my Avon business.  I choose to get back on my feet and make enough money for my needs without jeopardizing my SSDI claim.   I choose to keep writing and look for other clients to write for.  I will choose the price required to buy my articles.  I will be the one to decide what I am physically capable of doing and I will not leave that decision to anyone else.   I will choose what kind of grandmother I will be to Samantha.  I will choose, I alone will choose.

I choose to take my  life back, now.  Not later, now.

I choose to have income flow to me, not later, now.

I choose to be happy every day, not later, now.

I choose to decide what kind of day I am having, not later, now.

I choose to be grateful for each day and what it brings, not later, now.

I choose to graciously receive what comes my way, not later, now.

I choose to be in control of my thinking, not later, now.

I choose to receive increase in my life, not later, now.

I choose to be non-resistant, not later, now.

I choose to forgive and be forgiven, and to be free, not later, now.

I choose to use all that the Universe provides to me, not later, NOW.

I choose to open my mind to God and the Universe to receive direction and hope and love, not later, but right NOW.


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