Fear, Can I Really Leave It All To God?

Tree Lady

If you have read my earlier posts you know that I am trying to start over in life after losing my job and becoming disabled.  After getting better treatment for my depression I have focused on my relationship with my grand-daughter, Samantha.  This has been very rewarding for both us, and we have bonded very well.

Then when I found out that my SSDI claim had been denied and now is in the process of a fourth appeal, I realized I needed to do something to have a little income while I am waiting on this long long government process of getting approved.

So I tried some different work at home jobs, and there was just too much involved and too many scams.  I had sold Avon awhile back, so I decided to go back to that, because it works, I know it well, and it’s something I enjoy.   I also realized that I want to be a writer,  and that is when I started this blog.

I find myself in a spot now, with both endeavors, that requires hard work and patience.   I haven’t actually made any money with the Avon yet, since I needed to turn my profits back into the business by purchasing samples and other sales tools.   The order that I will send in next week is the one where I am hoping to have some cash left after the bill is paid.  But I only have about one week left and so far I have just one order.  This is typical, many times the orders come in at the last day or even the last-minute.   I place ads on Facebook and Pintrest, and I never know when an online order will show up.  I check the website several times a day and I always get pretty excited when I see that an order has been placed.  My friends have been really great about ordering online.

With my writing, I find I have days where I am filled with ideas, and many more days when I just draw a blank.  I have posted about twenty-three entries here on WordPress, a couple of articles on LinkedIn as well as participated in the discussion board for newbie writers on LinkedIn.  I have received some very encouraging feedback on my blog entries.

I just want to be happy.  I want to be able to put gas in my car, pay my own medical bills, buy some things for Samantha and save some money for when I am able to get my own place again.

What I am experiencing now is fear.  I know fear is useless.  It is many things, the absence of love, an ingredient of depression, a symptom of insecurity, and more.  I have heard all the quotes from famous and notable people about the nature of fear and how one should not give in to it.  Yes, I have heard them all.

I know that what I need to do is put all these things into God’s hands.  I know you hear people say that all the time.  But really it does work.  I just can’t seem to get there right now.  I feel blocked, I suppose because I want to be the one in control.  After all I have been through these past five years, I just want to be in control of my life again.

When my son was a teen, it seemed like both of our lives were out of control.  If you have raised children, you understand what I mean.  I kept a prayer journal.  I needed to just pour out my heart to God every day about my son, so I wrote it all down.  Doing that helped me keep my thoughts straight and helped me keep from going into a panic.

Once he was grown and out on his own, I found that journal and read it.  I was amazed at how much I had asked of God and even more amazed at the fact that all, yes ALL of those requests had been granted!  I was able to recall how each request I made had actually been fulfilled.  Sometimes even the date it happened.

This is why I know that I need to do this again, not necessarily the journal writing, which in a way is what this blog is, but I need to say a prayer and ask God to handle my life.

Yes, I am able to think rationally and make decisions and figure out what needs to be done.  I am not looking for some magical answer for my needs.  I just know that if I do ask God to take charge of my needs, He will show me the way.   He will show me how to attract customers to my Avon business.  He will show me where to find inspiration for my writing and lead me to people who can help me make my writing something that I can call professional.

I will sit quietly for some time each day, not sleeping, but just opening my mind to reception of Light.  I will listen and not question.  When I feel distracted I will focus on phrases like “lead me”,  “show me how”, “let me feel the Light”, “let me trust”.

Dear Reader, will you join with me, in your heart, and help me find my Light again?

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3 thoughts on “Fear, Can I Really Leave It All To God?

  1. Dear Cindy,
    I can identify with every thing you have written above, having gone through unemployment and even being unemployed of sorts now. In fact I chose to be unemployed rather than suffer emotional torture and suffering at the hands of people I worked with for the simple reason of standing up for what was right to me and what obviously was not right to others’.
    For about a year and a half, I had not a penny to my name other than my retirement benefits, which, I spent royally, with the complete belief that the Lord would provide and that there would be no change in my lifestyle simply because I had no paycheque coming every month. And true to my belief, I had all the money I needed for my needs and then some more.
    I am inspired by your post and your want to become independent and to fund yourself for the rest of your life which is what I went through too.
    In June last year about a year after I left my very lucrative job, I sent an email to a Teaching University and asked the Dean if he would be interested in employing me. I forgot totally about this email.
    Three months later, in September, I got an email from this same Dean telling me that he might have something in the nature of a job for me. I was surprised and gratified that out of nothing the Lord had given me a lot.
    I am happy to let you know that thanks to that Dean, I am working at his institution in a job which is suited to my job experience. Each day I am given one additional blessing to be thankful for. I know the Lord is watching and keeping me safe in the palm of his hand and I am grateful for each day he gives me to work and serve him.

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  2. Cindy, Thank you so much for the encouragement. Unfortunately my depression is so severe at times that I can’t get out of bed except to pee. It doesn’t happen often now and a lot less than it used to. i do spend time online helping people and have a lunch group on Fridays with a group of church friends and we spend that time giving support to each other in whatever area its needed. I am consciously working every day to keep my outlook positive. I know i have this fantastic light inside me, there have been times in my life when it has shone so brightly that i have recieved comments from strangers! I aim to get that back!

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  3. As a reader and writer: The light within you doesn’t leave! It is always there you just need to get busy and let the light show through you! Get out of your comfort zone and do things for others. Depression never occurs when you remain busy and have a positive out look on life. Keep up the good work!

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